Thursday, March 3, 2011

Being 20 Something....

So today I spent the day cleaning out the office. You would be surprised at the crap I keep. If I don't watch it you're all going to see me on that show Hoarders, surrounded by old receipts and Target bags.

Anywho... I came upon a folder that had some of my old writings in it. Like on paper! Can you believe it! And in green sparkly pen, to top it off. 

Nothing like green sparkly pen to get your point across and engage the reader.

I wrote this when I was turning 25 (you do the math, jerks) and thought I'd share it with you. Just takes you back to the time when life sucked. You're broke, you're single (or in another crappy relationship), you're in the worst part of your career (the starting from the bottom phase), everything the government tells you is a conspiracy and you haven't had a decent home cooked meal since your Mommy last visited.

You're one flat tire away from starving and even your cat looks at you like you're an idiot.

Being 20 Something

They call is the 'quarter-life crisis'. It's when you stop going along with the crowd and suddenly realize there are a lot of things about yourself you may not know and might not like. You being to feel insecure and wonder where you'll be in 2 years- the get scared because you don't even know where you are now.

This is also when it becomes painfully clear how selfish people can be, and maybe those friends you thought were so great, really aren't that great at all. And the ones you've lost touch with over the years, were actually some of the most important. However, what we fail to recognize is that we are hardly alone, they are all realizing this too, and are just as confused as us.

You take a long hard look at your job which is not even close to what you'd thought you'd be doing. You see that, apparently, there is a difference between a 'job' and a 'career'. And not knowing which one you're in, or even which one you want....makes you just want to stay in bed anyway.

But with age, comes self awareness. Being away from the comforts and securities and 'the old gang' gives you the opportunity to gain perspective and a real sense of who you are. Opinions and convictions are getting stronger and you now find yourself judging others more...and harsher than usual. Everyday adding to the list of what you consider acceptable, or not anywhere near.  What may have been okay last week, is unthinkable today. This also goes for the people you choose to associate yourself with when it becomes alarmingly clear that birds of a feather...really do flock together.

You are insecure, and then 100% sure. You wonder how you can clearly know everything and apparently, nothing at all. And that the worst kind of 'lonely' is the lonely felt in a room full of people.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you tire yourself out grasping for the past. Then one day is dawns on you, that the past has past and now you have a choice: Move forward, or get left behind. 

You heart gets broken while you're breaking hearts. 'True love' is a myth told at little girl's tea parties and perpetuated by the hopeful. You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. That love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, kisses aren't contracts, nor are presents meant to be promises. Planting your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

The 'cool' is starting to become pathetic and the 'dork is now husband material. Except that all the good ones are gone, or gay. So we give up our search for 'Mr.Right', at least for tonight, and go on a quest for whom ever looks like 'Mr.Right Now' through the bottom of a shot glass. 

(Okay, I need to cut in here for a second and just laugh. I sound like those little goth kids on South Park.  Conformists.)

Then, in an average moment, on a not-so-extraordinary day, it all changes. The light at the end of the tunnel. With your head up and your eyes wide open, you being to find comfort within yourself for the first time. Gone are the precious moments wasted on giving a crap about what everyone else is wearing, driving or dating and you wonder why it even mattered to begin with.

You being to accept you defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. Regrets are now being packed away with our senior yearbooks and mix tapes. In its place are lessons only learned from mistakes, 401k's and self respect. And now when you say you like yourself, you actually mean it. It all comes down to the fact that you're in your 20's and it's supposed to be like this. Why else do you think you can drink at 21, cause you're definitely going to need a drink for this one.

So that was it. I just want to go back in time to give myself a hug and a slap on the back of the head, a la Cher in Moonstruck. "Snap out of it!"

I can't really remember what was going on at that time but apparently I had just had my heart broken and/or just started my first 401k. Either way I was a hot mess...and a drunk. I wonder if I was drunk when I wrote this? I sure hope so. I think *I* need a drink now. 

I just recently (Feb 20th) turned 34 and have been feeling terribly old so I'm glad I found this. If that's what young was, I am happy to be old. 



  1. I think you're being kind of hard on your quarter of a century self. I really enjoyed that, it reminded me alot of me although I wasn't near as wise as you. I remember having the same thoughts flickering through my thick skull from time to time. I certainly would have flourished with you as a friend, Nicole.

  2. I remember feeling like that. And I'll bet if I dug around, I could find some old journals that read much like that.

    Ah, to be a quarter of a century again....

  3. Being a quarter of a century now, I currently find comfort in not thinking of my current state.

  4. @RedRogue
    You know, I was thinking of you as I was typing this. :) You will get older and life will get better. Love you!

  5. Laughing at the heart broken/401K line. It all seems to fall in to place... or, at least, at times it feels that way ;)