Friday, February 4, 2011

Stupid Planes, Stupid People & Stupid Poop

Here I am blogging again. It must be because I don't have a job and have too much time on my hands. No seriously. I was told this by someone this past weekend as they were sitting in front of a computer. Reading my blog. And then looking right at me. Paraphrasing here but it was pretty much "Blogging is for people who don't work and have entirely too much time on their hands."

::nervous laugh::

Well, okay then...

This past weekend I flew back to California, Boogie in tow, for my BFF Trudy's bridal shower. The shower itself was beautiful and she made out like a bandit in the gift department, as she should. I made the mistake of PURCHASING my gift for her and flew it with me. Apparently, I didn't think I had enough to pack, what with the baby, the stroller, the car seat, her clothes, my clothes, diapers, formula, monitor, toys, food, I figured, what the heck, go ahead and throw THIS into the mix.
 Yes, that's a door mat. And yes, door mats are heavy. Duh. And yes, Southwest Airlines charges for obscenely heavy luggage. But I am smart! I broke out the digital scale in my bathroom and weighed my bag over and over till it was the appropriate 50 lbs! (That leaves the excess heavy stuff to go in my back pack because once again, I didn't have enough to strap to my body, what with the baby, food, formula, toys, bottles, water, diapers, get the picture.)

Okay, so I am apparently not that smart. And I am also in constant back pain since I've been home. But hey, she loved her door mat and isn't that what's important??

So the morning we flew out there was nothing to indicate there would be a problem, no poop filled red flags, but of course that's not how the Murphy's Law of motherhood works. Well, there was the night filled with crying, the unusually poopy diaper in the morning...oh and the 2 other poopy diapers before we left....but other than that, nothing unusual.

::face palm::

We finally make it to the airport, Rutherford helps with the extremely heavy and EXACTLY 50 pound bag (No bag fee baby! ::fist bump::), he sadly hugs and kisses his girls goodbye and off through security we go.

Our airport, fortunately and unfortunately, has a breeder lane. Fortunately, because we got to zoom past all the other sucka's waiting in the zigzag lines. Unfortunately, because I got to zoom ahead just to wait behind the family, with the screaming baby, the stressed out Mom, the confused grandparents (She's only going to ask you 1 more time to take off your shoes, Grandpa, before she taser's you), the pissy preteen with the attitude and the Dad who is ready to jump off the nearest bridge. Poor dude.

Let me show you how it's done, people.

I pop off the flip flops, take out the laptop, water/formula, throw the baby on the hip, kick the stroller closed with one foot and hop it on the conveyor...Like. A. Pro. I then sneak past the family from hell, give the Dad an "i feel ya, brother" look and  thru the xray I go....just to be sent back because Boogie has HER shoes on. Damn you Stride-Rite infant pre-walker shoe bombers!

Now here's where the weekend gets exciting...Picture this...

Boarding overly crowded, hot airplane with infant. Of course everyone sits on the aisle or window so there are a bunch of empty middle seats so I continue to walk towards the back of the plane when the flight attendant announces that the flight is packed so we all need to be civil and move our rears over to make room.

Just then a very nice woman moves to the middle seat and I ask if I can sit there. She says, yes, of course and even helps me with the worlds heaviest back pack as I get settled and grab a pre-made bottle for Boogie.

Now I don't know this but I am about to have, what will from then on be, the MOST awkward moment of my life because about 2 seconds after I sit down, the very nice lady then begins to FIGHT with her husband whom is sitting on the window.

Oh yeah. And not just the dirty look pissing match fighting that we all do with our other halves but the full on fighting.

Here's the best part: They are fighting about ME!

You read that right.

"I can't BELIEVE you let her sit there! She's got a BABY!"

"What did you want me to do? The flight is full!"

"But she has a BABY!"

"Be quiet, she can probably hear you!"

"She can't hear me!"

I can totally hear him.

They continue like this till, I kid you not, pretty much the entire flight. I finally lean over and tell him "I promise you, she's a very quiet baby!" ::awkward smile:: Then I give Boogie the don't-you-dare-make-a-noise death stare and pray she can read my mind.

He looks me right in the face and as sweetly as ever says to me, "Oh no worries! We LOVE kids! We have 2 boys at home and are thinking of having another once because we want a little girl like her!" Then gives his wife the nastiest look ever to which she says "Are you done yet?"

If he wasn't done yet, I sure was.

But wait! It gets better...

So now I'm sitting there, quietly BEGGING the kid not to make a sound, unless she wants to become a homewrecker before the age of 1...and then it happens.





Kill. Me. Now.

I've been there before, I know what I'm up against..just never been there in a square foot of personal space while wearing a cream poop covered I, of course, freak out.

I immediately grab for the Diapees&Wipees, jump out of my seat and run for the back of the plane...not really noticing that we aren't really all the way in the air yet, still on that slow climb when walking around freely is not recommended...

Bitchy stewardess A: Um, the seat belt sign is still lit.

Me: Yeah I got that. ::lifts baby:: I'm full of poop can I please change her???

Bitchy stewardess A: Yes, sure, but the lavatory with the changing table is in the FRONT of the plane.

Now I'm the crazy woman with the baby running to the front of the plane with the seat belt sign still on.

Bitchy stewardess B: Um, the seat belt sign is still lit.

Me: Yeah, heard something about that already. ::lifts baby:: I'm full of poop can I please change her???

Bitchy stewardess B: Yes, I suppose, but use this bag and dispose of the diaper in THIS trash can. I don't want you DIRTY baby diaper in MY lavatory.

Me: But, I have my...

Bitchy stewardess B: I want you to USE MINE!

Me: Yes ma'am.

I'm not going to argue with her anymore, she's small but she looks like she can take me.

In what I can only imagine is the WORLDS SMALLEST BATHROOM, I give Boogie a sponge bath, wash her clothes, wash my clothes, PUT THEM BACK ON US, change her diaper and appropriately use Bitchy stewardess B's trash bag.

No, I did not pack a change of clothes in my carry on for Boogie.

::ducking for cover::

How was I supposed to know!!!??!?! She's almost a year old! It's a 50 minute flight! We NEVER have blowouts anymore!

The remainder of the flight went as expected. I used Boogie as a human shield, not wanting to show off the wet t-shirt contest that was going on with me, the couple continued to argue, I continued to hear them, I tried to keep a now very sick baby from crying, I tried to keep from crying myself and I just prayed.

A sick baby is no fun, but a sick baby 500 miles from home and on your own, is my little version of hell. Poor girl spent a good amount of time whining and wanting to be in my arms but we had a good time anyway. I did, however, change my flight to return home a day early. As soon as the shower was over I was packing my bags to get ready to come home. It would have been fun to stay and hang out with my BFF but it was more important to get that baby home and in her own crib.

The flight home was less exciting than the flight out which was just fine by me. I think by then I was just over it. Over poop, over people, over all of it.

Of course it started to POUR on the way to the airport which made unloading me, all my crap and baby, very interesting. We say our thank you's and goodbye's to the BFF, I get us checked in and through security only to find out my plane is now delayed almost 50 minutes.

Of course.

We decided to use this time to window shop since all of the little stores where you can buy all of the fun stuff that would keep a sick baby busy as you're waiting for your delayed flight...are now closed...except for 1. Thank the Lord....AND...they sell The Backyardigans beanie baby's!!

Boogie & Tyrone ready to go home.

Thank you, Baby Jesus, for small favors and Tyrone.

We have 2 more poopy diapers as we are touring the airport with our new friend and one just as we are boarding but I did remember to bring a change of clothes this time.

Saying we are so happy to be home is a total understatement and I don't see me doing that again any time in the near future but I learned a few lessons.

Lesson 1: Babies who are never sick will get sick as soon as it comes time to go somewhere in a plane.

Lesson 2: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS take an extra change of clothes on a flight for everyone involved.

Lesson 3: Some people are just big ol bitches.


  1. Bummer that she was so sick. It would have been so much better if she puked on that guy. >:) I can't believe he talked like that while you were sitting right there?!

  2. O.....M.....G!!!!!!!!!! I can't come up with any better response...O...M...G!!!

  3. Right there with you: OMG! I so have had those kinds of trips but fortunately without the opinionated row mates. ACK.
    I hope Boogie got whatever it was out of her system. Poor cutie pie.

  4. You crack me up girl! So sorry bout the blowout I didn't even know that could happen! See you soon and glad you made it home in one piece.

  5. OMG I have been in such similar circumstances, wondering how I'm ever gonna survive. I can't believe that couple was fighting about you, in front of you! Crazy! Glad you made it home safe and sound.